Moving Day

In two days I am returning to Santa Fe, New Mexico, where I lived for 24 years before coming to the Denver area late in 2011. When I first came to the Denver area, my health was poor. I was in shock from the sudden death of my beloved husky, Blessing, and the sudden loss of my home, job, and mobility. Had an Aurora friend not invited me to come and stay in her house, I would have been homeless.

ImageNow, nearly a year and a half later, I am moving back to Santa Fe. The new friends I have made in Colorado are not happy about this; they fear for my economic stability, returning as I am to a state with widespread unemployment and a vast gap between rich and poor. It is also a fact that New Mexico has one of the highest rates of spousal abuse, child abuse, drug abuse, animal abuse, and drunk driving fatalities in the nation. Public support is available to assist the underemployed and the ill, but that support has dwindled under New Mexico’s present governor, a well-to-do Republican with little sympathy for those who seek “entitlements.”

Moving is never easy. It is particularly difficult right now because I have had a falling out with the friend in whose house I have been staying, and I am ashamed and saddened by this. No one is at fault particularly; we have simply discovered that our private wounds make us incompatible housemates. But it is hard having to acknowledge that another’s life has been improved by my leaving it. I will also miss my friend’s dog, a black Labrador who has been a hugbuddy and companion to me during my mourning over Blessing.

Sudden, painful change is built in to physical reality. It is represented by the Tarot cards Death, the Lightning-Struck Tower, and the Devil (which I have renamed Pan). These three Tarots are not necessarily cards of moral evil or physical destruction, although they can be. At root they signify the powers and influences over which the human will has no conscious control, powers and influences that trigger physical, emotional, and comprehension changes that one must acknowledge, accept, and adapt to or die. It is human nature to resist such transformation even when part of us longs for it. But in some circumstances, as the Daleks might put it, resistance is futile.

My story is by no means a tragedy. I am moving into a house with good neighbors in a safe neighborhood, and I have been overwhelmed by the loving support of friends all over the country, who with their contributions of time, money, and encouragement are making this move possible. My cat, Urdwill, will like it there, too. And I am looking forward to reuniting with old Santa Fe friends.

But I can no longer deceive myself. No change is permanent. Reality is both a particle and a waveform, and life is a balancing act. And when you are old, as I am, you must give up the fantasy of total self-reliance and total independence and embrace interdependence, community, and mutuality. As my friend Jerry told me the other day, “It’s time for you to accept the love people want to show you.” How strange that this is so difficult.

Stuart In the Sky, With Diamonds

NM.Kaz_as_cub.1987-8

The week after my lover Stuart died, I took our wolf-dog, Kaz, out into the wintry New Mexican woods. Snow had softened the ground’s harsh clays. The sun was shining brilliantly off the white-clad junipers and little piñon trees. Kaz led me in a romp-and-tumble over the hills and down some arroyos until we both ended up, limp and panting, in a valley floored by a frozen brook.

I was in that state of heightened awareness that often accompanies deep grief. I’d hardly eaten for a week. For all the two years Stuart and I had spent together as lovers, best friends and channelers, his sudden death had taken me utterly unprepared.

He had developed ARC after having been infected with HIV in an accident at the Key West lab where he’d labored as a medical technologist. We had assumed that either AIDS would kill him some day or old age would. The former had seemed less of a possibility as, one by one, his ARC symptoms had gone into remission. We’d put it down to clean living and the effects of our metaphysical researches. (This was before advances in medical science provided AIDS patients with chemical cocktails designed to bolster immune response.)

But I had found him one morning anyhow, body cold, vacated, and neatly arranged on his bed. The medic who examined Stuart after I had called 9-1-1 later told me that Stuart’s death had been a reaction to a painkiller he had taken for an abscessed tooth due to be extracted the following Monday.

I came to a different conclusion. A month before Stuart had told me he had had a “dream” in which he had gone into a coma and I was sitting by his bed in the hospital. After his death, it struck me that, consciously or not, he had been warning me that he was planning to commit suicide. I still believe this to this day.

That winter afternoon in the valley, I hunkered down and watched Kaz nose cattails. Gradually the sunlight seemed to take on personality. It seemed to shine not on me but for me, and I knew, abruptly and impossibly, that the sunlight was Stuart, somehow. He seemed undismayed that I had been calling him a selfish bastard all week.

You must understand that I am not given to visions. My psychic experiences tend to be quiet, undramatic, noticeable mainly because I have trained myself to recognize them when they occur. Stuart was the visionary. Every time he surfaced from a deep trance channeling session, he said to me, “It’s so beautiful there, where I was; one of these days I’m just going to stay.”

In the valley, dusk fell. I called Kaz, started carward, and in my altered state got lost in the shadowed streamcourse. Nothing looked even remotely familiar to me. The moon came out, and there was Stuart again. Guard-dogs barked at a farm. I felt afraid. I glimpsed mental images of barbed wire, German uniforms, German shepherd dogs pulling at leashes, and myself at a dead run for a clipped fenceline. In my fantasy memory, Stuart was there, saying, “Through here!” He pushed me ahead of him so that it was he, not I, whom the dogs brought down.

As I have said, I am not given to visions. That night I asked the sky, “How do I get out of this arroyo?” A prominent star winked, then burned steady. By its light, I spied a side-track I had not noticed before. Following the track, Kaz and I found ourselves back on the road we had taken from the spot where I’d parked our station wagon.

Stuart again. You’ll have to take my word for it.

Up to that time, Stuart’s death had been the most devastating thing that had ever happened to me. This has changed in the years since. Since that winter I have climbed the years to sixty-two. I have lost Kaz, to a hit and run driver, and three subsequent dogs, one to old age, one to liver failure, and one to cancer. I have lost friends to AIDS, including my beloved little brother; lost my teeth, my health, my career in horticulture, my self-respect, and most of my financial resources. And since Stuart’s death I have never had another lover. I have kept love at arm’s length from fear of having to go through a loss like that again.

Stuart’s death was the most terrible thing that had ever happened to me. But I am certain that it was not the most terrible thing that ever happened to him. The night in the arroyo taught me that. I’m certain that death, for Stuart, had been an explosion of joy.

I drove home that night with Kaz’s paw on my right shoulder. Three months later, on an empty road near our house, some guys broke Kaz’s back with their speeding truck and I had to say goodbye to him, too. I buried his body in my rented garden, between the French tarragon and the double coreopsis. For two weeks I had nightmares that somehow the vet’s needle hadn’t put Kaz out of his misery; that somehow I had buried him alive; that he had awakened, stifling, with dirt in his lungs. Of course it was I who felt buried alive: trapped in the physical plane, unable to get free of the pain and horror of it.

On Fear of the World’s End: A Trance-Talk by “The Family”

Fear is the consciousness level that stifles all ability to imagine hope and safety and a better life. It arises from a sense of Threat, which is a partner to a sense of one’s [ability or] inability to control all aspects of one’s reality.

Many of the questions asked of Mister Rand and by Mister Rand in regard to the changes taking place at this time in Physical Reality are connected to the consciousness level of to Threaten.

Danger has always been a part of Physical Reality, because Physical Reality is the only level of reality in which one’s resources for creating according to one’s immediate desires can be limited. In Thought Reality, the Planning State, Dreamtime, Olam Habah, the Plane of Light and Sound and the Plane of the Broadest Self, creation takes place at a word, and there is inexhaustible energy for the monad or individualized consciousness to draw upon in its experimentations with itself.

converted PNM fileBut in Physical Reality resources must be shared with many other creatures, and in fact oneself is a resource for others to use. For each being in Physical Reality will reach a state in which the body will return to the elements of which it is composed and thereby feed other physicalized entities newly finding expression in the physical matrix. This process of releasing the body and one’s use of the body is called death, and it is death that is most feared by beings in Physical Reality — death, or the dying process, which can be unpleasant as the body is denied its needs and begins to shut down.

Hope is the remedy for fear. But hope does not arise in a vacuum. Hope arises through the interaction of the fearful person with his or her support systems, for belief and support are mirrors of one another. If you surround yourself with beings who care nothing for you, or who do not even know who you are, as in great cities where millions of persons live anonymously in tiny family groups or singly in monads, neither knowing their neighbors nor caring to be known by them, the sense of isolation from potential crisis support can increase fear and therefore decrease hope.

Humans are group animals. They are meant to thrive best in groups. So the answer to the questions of what to do in Physical Reality now that the changes of 2012 are approaching is, Find your group support. Offer support to others in the group, and ask for support in return. Learn to share and receive. For in this hope will be born. And if financial resources are individually smaller, the greater resources will be larger, for the group will pool resources to help all its individual members.

How do you find your group? You find your group based on mutually accepted beliefs and values. In other times and cultures, and in Northern New Mexico among the local old families, kinship groups are the groups to which one turns for mutual support in times of trouble. And among many places in the world this is still true. But among many of you who read this, your ties with your kinship groups are strained and no longer existing owing to the deaths or moving away physically or emotionally of the other members of these groups. So looking to such groups for support is not practical for you.

If you have no group to turn to, then you must either find one or create one. You can find one using such resources as online or asking counselors or religious personnel where you can find persons who care for the things you care about and yearn for the things for which you yearn. Or you can advertise on the Interweaving of the Net for persons who share your ideas and concerns to contact you. Or you can put up fliers at stores, or take out advertisements in magazines and other periodicals.

Remember however what such a group can and cannot do. It can give you support, but it cannot support you. That is, it can support you in finding the resources and strategies for helping yourself emotionally spiritually and even financially in some cases. But it cannot and ought not be asked to take care of these needs for you. The reason for this is that you have come into Physical Reality as a sovereign entity with responsibility to create according to your uniqueness. And to give others the responsibility of caring for you as though you were a little child without power or hope is not righteous or balanced.

When pain arises in the mind, we feel it is of no good to deny it is there. We feel the better course is to express the pain, verbally to one who cares or in writing, and then read the writing to one who cares. The act of writing one’s pain without editing or making it neat and tidy helps the soul step aside and observe its pain as one observes a reflection in the mirror. It begins the process of disidentifying with the pain. Note that disidentifying with the pain does not mean denying the pain is real. This is a mistake some religious persons make who say there is no sickness or death. Sickness or death undoubtedly exist in Physical Reality.

That is why even the Bible says, do not greet a sufferer with the prayer, “Be warmed and filled,” and then take no steps in Physical Reality to assist him or her. And always remember that it is better to help someone learn to fish than to fish for them, as long as you give him or her [enough] fish [to eat at] the outset so that he or she can gain enough strength to pay attention to your fishing lessons.

One prayer that is useful to pray in times of distress is, “Good, show me what I have of You.” Another is, “Good, protect me and my loved ones until it is our proper time to release our bodies and expand into focus upon our nonphysical reality.” Another is, “Help me live today without fear.” For “One day at a time” is not simply what Mister Rand calls a bumper sticker slogan. It is how time works in the linear consciousness.

As for the economic distresses in the country of the United States, we feel that the current difficulties will not be solved in three years or even five, but may take as long as seven years before stability is established and prosperity begins again to grow. The current president is engaged in a careful game of chess, playing one side and then another, taking moderate stances so that others will step forward and act and so he can say, well what could I do they overruled me. In this way he helps fight the notion that he is the king of America and the savior of the world. He is not and he knows he is not, however much the people may wish for a savior and a king and a daddy and a rescuer.

If you have the means to purchase land in the country where there is fertile soil and water, and you have the youth and physical strength to work this land in order to raise food, this may increase your hope of control over your future. And so you may consider doing this. But many if not most persons do not have these economic or physical means. For them, the best approach is to band together to help one another out with food, shelter, health support, and chores, in communal living arrangements or simply in extended communities living within one geographical area.

Resist isolation, which is the work of fear. What value is survival if one survives while all around there is death and evil? That is not a world worth surviving in. Resist death and evil by banding together to pressure local governments to act correctly with your resources.

Stop looking for the Ascended Masters to save you. They will not save you, nor will 2012 change everything effortlessly, bringing angels with harps or happy UFOs down from heaven to make humans love one another. You are the Ascended Master. You are the UFO. You are the angel. Ask what is in you to be revealed to you, then set forth to do what it urges you to do.

2012 in your calendar system is 2 plus 1 plus 2 or 5 which means change, the Tarot Triad of the Hanged One, the Hermit, and the Lovers. Balanced and lasting change arises first from contemplation of the Light; second from contemplation of the self with all its shadows; and third from creating a nest or community with not only one person but with many. Another way to say this is, “What do I need to balance in my life? What do I fear the most? What would make me feel safe?” Another way to say this is, You are the Holy Grail, and everything is safe, even when a rifle is pointed at your head you are, ultimately, safe, for nothing can separate you from Love, the Love in you and the Love around you.

Mister Rand says this is all very well for you to say, you have no bodies. To which we reply, how do you know? And we thank you for sharing.

9:05 pm, Sunday, April 26 2009