On Seeking Safe Haven

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I’ve spent most of my sixty-five years of life looking for a person, doctrine,  or organization that I could build my life around. I started out looking to my parents to fulfill this role. I found early on that I could depend upon my father to provide us with shelter, clothing, food, and the luxuries of upper middle class Anglo life, but that he was largely unavailable emotionally and could not protect me from my abusive older brother. My mother I found I could depend upon to provide me with delicious meals, delightful books, affection, and consolation, except when her alcoholism and borderline personality disorder symptoms turned her manipulative, vindictive, and sexually abusive.

For years I felt torn between the two of them, and my ambivalence took an odd turn.

Mother put pressure on me to choose her over my father, which—let’s be frank—it wasn’t hard to do, given his loud, gritted-teeth complaints, self-isolation, and demands for absolute obedience. But I liked the fact that he was a writer, and I think I sensed his self-loathing, and I identified with him more than I liked to admit at the time. Now in the bedroom they shared, my father slept on the left side of the bed, my mother on the right. So at night I felt torn. If I slept on the left side of my bed, would I be symbolically choosing my father over my mother? If I slept on the right side of my bed, would I be symbolically choosing my mother over my father? So I compromised: I taught myself to sleep flat on my back, a habit I tend to follow to this day.

Once I entered adolescence, I more or less gave up trying to find refuge in my parents’ world and I sought refuge in my private dream world of comic books, science fiction, fantasy, mythology, and chaste fantasies of joining Robin Hood’s band of Merry Men, or being adopted as innocent school mascot by my brother Anthony’s Air Force Academy classmates. When I became aware of my homosexuality, I began fantasizing about finding a Mister Right, the perfect man who, in exchange for my exclusive devotion and access to my body, would console, protect, and give shape and direction to the rest of my life.

The problem was that, owing to incest trauma, I felt sex was dirty—not just homosexuality, but all sex. I got this feeling from my mother. So I decided that I did not want to be sexual at all. After my father’s sudden death in early 1971, I sought out the sexuality-free surrogate family I’d always fantasized about: I became a celibate Fundamentalist Christian for seven years.

The people with whom I worshiped were good people, genuinely trying to live by Jesus’s teachings of love and forgiveness. Although my self-betrayal ate away at me, the love and acceptance they showed me had a healing effect on me. They gave me a refuge from the storm of my life. But in the end I left the church, and Fundamentalism, in large part because I felt I had been putting on an act. Though I was indeed celibate for most of the seven years I was with them, I now know the difference between celibacy, born of lifestyle conviction, and sexual anorexia born of abuse trauma. And I was not the only one who left. Several years ago I discovered that the pastor of the last church I attended had been gay, and had committed suicide because he had not been able to reconcile his faith with his physicality.

All this took place many decades ago. Today, at 65 years old, five feet seven inches tall, and 290 pounds, I am far from healed; I like to joke that I have more issues than National Geographic. But I have a renewed faith in Divine Love, from Whose womb I was born and to Whose womb I shall return, and for Whom my homosexuality is a natural species variation, not a monstrosity or a curse worthy of damnation. And I have been fortunate in meeting numerous fellow travelers, straight, gay, in between, and undecided, whose kindness has consistently reached out to me in dark times.

So if you are tempted to give up who you are to get love, don’t give in to that temptation. Start asking for help, and keep on asking until you start getting it. It can and does get better, but only if you refuse to let your abusers win. •

A Message From “The Family”: On Sexuality

beautiful_coupleWhenever two persons meet in physical reality, there is the opportunity of shared experience. Sharing experience with another conscious entity is a basic drive in all physicalized beings, or “becomings” as one New Age commentator might put it (Mr. Rand winces at this neologism). Which kind of experience is shared depends upon the consciousness-level of the participants and their premanifestation agreements. In some cases the shared experience is sexual in nature.

Joining with another conscious entity is a passion intrinsic to humanness. On the Plane of Light and Sound, our term for the level of reality that is home to the human spirit, two entities meet, merge light-forms completely, absorb all of the others’ stored experiences (and vice versa), then part, each possessed of full knowledge of how it is like to be that other person, perceived as that person itself and not as an outsider. This level of intimacy is sometimes achieved through or as a byproduct of human sexual expression. Some religions, fearful of God’s wrath, condemn the body as intrinsically evil, and the body’s natural impulses as intrinsically shameful. Our experience is that the body’s impulses are neither good nor evil, they simply are. It is the level of consciousness through which they are expressed that determines their moral quality.

There has historically been much effort put into Western culture by way of analyzing, dissecting, and determining the structure and variants of human sexuality. In ancient times, some forms of human sexuality were condoned that modern people would naturally condemn: in ancient Rome, the paterfamilias or head male of the family possessed the legal right to beat, rape, and kill his wife, children, and slaves, because the law viewed wife, children, and slaves as the possessions of the paterfamilias. Non-consensual sex is now recognized as an expression of the restricted consciousness-level we call To Force and To Be Forced; as such, it is unacceptable as a societal norm. And many religions would agree with this assessment we have made.

Many religions vilify certain kinds of sexual behavior: homosexuality being one of the chief targets of their wrath. This is largely because [from the viewpoint of the heterosexual observer] homosexuality appears to blur gender roles and gender-behavior lines. Western culture has its roots in militaristic culture, and in most militaristic human cultures, the gender roles are strongly divided or distinctive, and deviations from them are seen as a threat to the power hierarchy at the core of militaristic culture. For the same reason, cross-dressing, gender-neutral dress or behavior, [and] transsexualism are also condemned in militaristic cultures. Yet from our viewpoint in the nonphysical, none of these forms that human sexuality takes possess intrinsic moral value, whether negative or positive. Everything depends upon the level of consciousness with which the sexuality is expressed.

Sexuality is necessary for reproduction, but that is not now and never was its sole purpose. It is through our bodies that we experience the rhythms of spacetime itself: its ebbs and flows, its scents, its textures, its flavors, its sounds. Enjoying one’s body and its capacities for pleasure is one of the gifts that wayfarers on the Earth plane are granted to help ease their progress here. •

— Channeled May 29, 2015 by Rand B. Lee.